Delusion of First Love From A God

Tired. Aimlessly walking towards an unknown place I know nothing about, I feel tired, but I know I couldn’t stop my tiring journey for a short break or a small piece of bread I’ve been smelling ever since I stepped inside the gates of this land. I never stopped my steps though the delightful voices of the people around me kept on greeting me warmly, trying to pull me into the comfort of their humble shop, pursuing me to sit comfortably inside, maybe getting a drink or two while I’m at it. As if they could feel the same dryness I felt on my throat along with the same rumbling shivers I felt on my stomach that was accompanied by its infamous sound that signs my obvious hunger, they keep on trying to pull me towards their shop with their sweet nothings, promising a taste of lifetime; their words meant nothing and I know that the best, yet I appreciate their efforts to keep on trying to pull me without any sorts of force and it made me feel guilty when I ignored them. It couldn’t be helped, I just want to keep on my journey and stay as far away as possible from everything I’ve left behind. I just want to escape from the suffocating environment I’ve been living in at my state of vulnerability. A human being would call this act of mine as escapism; I know not of the term nor how it feels to any other human beings I’ve encountered. I realized there’s so much more to human beings I haven’t learned of other than those lighter sides, such as friendship, motherhood, the feeling of care for one another. I was, and still is, very accepting of those feelings I felt to some of the individuals I’ve encountered. The feeling felt warm and nice, the opposite of the current feeling I felt. I never understood why emotions deep within every individual shift so fast, or perhaps it’s due to my difference in a world full of major kinds that are living with one another, forming a society. I never wanted to acknowledge my difference as a being nor did I want the warm and joyful feeling I felt to shift away so fast. I’d be accepting of these clenching and suffocating feelings I felt deep within me if only they’d respectfully tell me first rather than barging out of nowhere like an unwanted guest that wants to replace the guest I welcomed warmly with a cup of tea. The world is truly unfair to one human being— well, every human being since they make them feel this way, changing their emotions without warning.

I coughed, holding my stomach as I felt my legs slowly turned weak due to the lack of nutrition inside my digestion system. My mind went blank because of both hunger and dehydration, making me forget how long I had been running away to reach this welcoming town. Holding everything back with the false hope I told myself that I will devour every possible meal I will encounter once I walked out of this place, I continued my walk, pulling my hood forward more to hide away my face when I heard the people’s concerned tone as they asked me various questions relating to my well-being. Their voices of kindness started to morph into a clashing battle inside of my mind, earning myself the same nerve-wracking feeling I felt when the people around me started to consider me as some form of God, a being higher than humans that are blessed with the powers that’ll be able to make wishes come true according to what have been taught to me. I believe I am nothing compared to the higher being they’ve been worshipping. I cannot grant any wishes other than my own, which makes me unable to have the title of a higher being, but the others around me don’t seem to agree with what I voiced because they kept on worshipping me in their desperate state of yearning for hope. I acted as their supreme being for their sake, to satisfy their wish for hope and comfort in their sadness; everything felt fine at first, until more people came barging towards me, asking for something I cannot give though my species as a different being than them. I cannot give them anything and it made me suffocate in my own guilt and torment because I knew I wasn’t their hope. They kept on coming, one after another, and my mind was filled with the expectations I cannot reach. I always wanted to run away, to come back to the time I was alright and happy, so I ran and I kept on running, with the hopes of no one being able to recognize me as I hid underneath my hood and scarf. I don’t want to risk myself getting caught and returned to the life I hated to have, so I need to keep on walking even if I need to sacrifice my own life over and over again in order to reach my nirvana. I just wished to be free— away from the pains of being a human being, or even the pain of being worshipped beyond the comfort of a human being.

I squint both of my eyes, feeling the street lights around me starting to hurt my visions more than before. I feel like passing out, a sign I know too well. I need to fasten my pace since I don’t want to drop lifeless in such a crowded street, in front of so many people, since it’ll risk me getting caught if they approach my passed out body to check on my condition. I need to run— I want to run on an empty alley, but the amount of people swarming around me blocks my visions away from the possible empty alleys nearby. I gulped, flinching at how painful it felt due to my dry throat, before parting my lips slightly as I licked them. Slowly, with a hand still gripping firmly on the scarf wrapped around my face, lifting the fabric up to cover the lower half of my face, I sneaked a glance up to look around. My actions gain me nothing other than minor headaches. Too many people gathering around, too many voices, too many lights— all of it is making me feel more uncomfortable than I already was. It makes me want to run away more than before. I panicked, causing my mind to go more blank than before, blinding me away from any sorts of logical thinking as I felt my body shiver even though the temperature isn’t cold enough to cause a shiver. Pulling my hand away from my scarf, I used it to cover my ear, being accompanied by the other covering the other ear. My legs felt like giving up; I realized I will get caught one way or another, and the thought makes me want to give up on running away. Perhaps, this is how humans feel with existing emotions before they die— wanting to give up, questioning their own living, and wanting to fix their own past mistakes even though they couldn’t. It hurts me to the point I wished I never knew about human emotions or even met a human being in the first place. Everything hurts me. The feeling of desperation took over my body as I slowly parts my hand away from the side of my head to my hood, gripping on the fur around it tightly. And as I was about to uncover myself and reveal my identity to the people of this unknown city, I was greeted by the soft sounds of bells jingling from somewhere in front of me. My grip on my hood loosened, my lips parted once again when I saw the way the people around me suddenly walked out of the road to form a long line as they stood side by side with one another, giving as much space for the person beside them so they could stand comfortably.

The people around me stared at me weirdly as I kept looking at them with confused gaze, wishing to find some sort of answer, but they never gave me any, leaving me standing there in confusion as to what’s happening. My ears perk up when I hear the jingling bell approaching closer and closer; suddenly, the yearning desire for water and bread is replaced by a sense of curiosity that covers my lungs. My own curiosity leads me to slowly turn my head to look at where the sound of the bell came from. Somehow, everything felt slower when I was turning my head, peaking some short glances at the people around me while I’m at it, feeling more and more curious when they looked at me with eyes full of what I guessed would be nervousness, fear, and pity. Finally, I’m looking in the direction where the jingling bell still could be heard, I slightly lift my hood up to get a better look since my visions still aren’t the best considering my lack of nutrients. When I looked up, everything seemed to feel slower than before— when I set my gaze at those pools of gems hiding underneath such a thin layer of red dust, everything felt slower. I’ve encountered a lot of beautiful human beings dressed in gold, silver, and bronze with a lot of stories supporting their significant beauties. Yet, those eyes of hers don’t seem to want to tell me the story behind their beauty. Accompanied by two men taller than her— than me, she elegantly walked without looking at the others around her, keeping her head up high and her expression composed. She’s dressed in gold around her head and her ears, a crimson red long attire with sleeves that seems too big and long for someone like her to use. A brown colored fabric is wrapped around her waist, tied with a small red bow, neatly forming a butterfly knot behind her, and long, dark brown heeled boots as a finishing touch for her attire. My eyes left her attire to look back at her face as she kept walking closer and closer towards me. She never once looked at me. I stared at those eyes of hers when she was staring straight towards her destination, seemingly not minding my presence there as if I’m nothing more than a stone— and oddly, being considered as a stone felt comforting to me. And when she finally took notice of my presence, she slowly blinked her eyes towards me, looking at me without any expression on her face though her red rosy lips parted. I felt something deep within me stop working, automatically making my body feel warm as heat slowly rose up my pale cheeks. I’m unsure of what I am feeling, but I couldn’t help myself to utter a small “beautiful” from my mouth when she’s a step away from reaching me.

“Do you know what you currently feel, Boy?” I heard the voice of reason asked inside my head, a voice I would hear over and over in my pitiful state. A voice that everyone claimed to be the voice of worship whispering upon me.

Never parting my gaze away from her face as the world around us froze, I shook my head to answer its question. Obviously wanting some answers, I asked them what I was feeling while I sneaked my hand up to my left chest, the place where I felt the warmth and tingle came from. I gasped when I felt a sudden beat coming from inside me; the beats started off slow before eventually turning faster and faster until I felt like it would stop working at any moment due to how fast it was. Gripping tightly on the fabric of my chest, I sunk my lips between my teeth with the heat on my cheeks turning warmer and warmer while my optics loyally kept gazing at the stone-froze lady a step away in front of me with one of her guards reaching his hand towards me, an annoyed expression plastered on his face. From the looks of it, it seems like he wants to get rid of me from their path, and I wouldn’t mind being pushed away after the time finally reverts back to normal as long as I can still keep my eyes on this beautiful lady until I find the answer to my own current unknown desires. With my hand slowly reaching towards the lady’s face, my claimed voice of reasons answers my question before disappearing from the corner of my eye:

“You do not deserve to gaze at nirvana,”

Those were the last words I heard from within my head before being pushed away harshly by someone, who I assumed to be the guard. With a small gulp and a pained grunt, I slowly lifted myself up slowly, though I found it quite hard, and stared up at the guards with only my left eye open since I felt dirt hitting my right eye. It seems like he found me staring up at him as an act of challenge since he showed me an annoyed scowl after letting out a growl.

“Why are you looking at the Princess like that, boy?” He said with a rather protective tone hiding underneath his stern one. Though I am visibly annoyed at how he accused me wrongly, I still feel quite joyous to find out this lady’s identity, or rather title. Her fancy clothing, elegant mannerism, and the overall atmosphere around her suddenly makes sense to me— she is a Princess of this kingdom; but, I never got the chance to find out the kingdom’s name or observe the place I’m currently standing to know. Ignoring the guard’s obvious defensive mode, I took a good few seconds to look around the place from the corner of my eyes and it made my eyes widened when I finally realized where I was. Yvrone, the place I never wanted to come back to due to my disgust for the man in my past who wished for me to kill him in order for him to be eternity, as he claimed in his own words, yet I never did anything to him when I ran away from the place he worshipped, leaving him alone with his hopes to dust as I kept running away to isolate myself from my suffocation and guilt. The memory of my past came back inside of my head when I stated back the Princess’s curious and concerned hues. Tears began to well up inside my eyes, trying my best to hold it in, not wanting to be seen as pathetic by those beautiful optics of hers. I lowered my head, ready for any type of hit being thrown at me when the guard raised their hand, possibly to shove me away further like how they used to do once I never speak in the name of God. But it wasn’t a harsh punch nor shove that greeted me, it was a figure looming over my body on the dirty ground below me. When I opened my eyes, I’m greeted by the Princess’s back. Both of my eyes widened when I saw the way she held onto her guard’s wrist to stop him from doing what he was about to do to me.

“That’s enough, no need to pursue violence, yes?” I heard her state sternly. Her voice sounded melodious, soft, and almost motherly. It sounded so beautiful to my ears that I couldn’t help but to keep them perked up to listen to her next words, “We will be late to meet my father, we shall go now, yes?” She loosened her grip on the guard’s wrist, eventually letting it go, before glancing at me from the corner of her eye. I leaned my face back, cowering myself away from her gaze shamefully, acting as if I just got caught doing something I shouldn’t have; but, I still keep on staring up at her behind the comfort of my large hood. She didn’t show any form of pity in her gaze nor did she show any form of softness. She’s staring at me with one eye so sternly; in that gaze of hers, I could imagine the wall built in front of me, acting as a cover for any eyes that tries to sneak a peek at her beauty. And one of those curious peeking gazes is me, though before I could gleefully keep on peering on her enchanting figure, she turned her head away from me, leaving me to only peer at her back as she continued her walk. Alone, they left me there to gather myself while the people that once formed a line began to go back to doing what they were doing before the Princess arrived. No one bothered to help me stand up from the ground at all, and it makes me feel relieved since I could still sit there comfortably to gather my thoughts and process everything that happened a few minutes back— specifically to process the feeling I felt a few minutes prior. I raised my hand up to my chest again. It was the same type of feeling I felt in the past with the people I encounter and come to care for, but at the same time it felt different. The feeling felt warmer and somehow shocking than the rest. It left me puzzled with more questions rather than answers, not to mention the words The voice told me about this particular feeling I felt. I am yearning for answers, and the only possible way I can get the answers I want is to encounter her again. I sighed, keeping my head low; knowing her status as a Princess of this country along with my own status as nothing but a mere adventurer or a peasant underneath this hood of mine, I know it’ll be difficult to meet her. With a feeling of dread and fear of what will happen in the future if I keep staying in this country, my mind commands me to leave immediately; but like the mulish being that I am, I ignored my logical reasoning, blinded by my own curiosity. There, I sat with no one around me noticing as I closed my eyes, slowly dying with a small smile on my face, awaiting my resurrection. How odd, it feels like the emotion within me turned me away from the determination of keeping away myself from any human connection. How very odd, though strangely addicting.

I felt human.

Perhaps it has been a few minutes or hours of me sitting on the side of the road with the people of the land still roaming around busily. I feel a bit relieved that I spent some time in the same corner of the street for only a couple of minutes or hours rather than the usual days. I won’t be as suspicious, though of course I could still feel the peering gazes of the nearby residence as I stood up from the ground, dusting my attire. And ignoring all the whispers I heard of me, I kept walking while searching for an empty alley I could use as a hideout to stay here for a while to find out more of the emotions I felt. My mind wanders back to the hidden look I saw on the girl’s eye as I thought of finding more about my own emotions. I learned a lot about desires and how humans feel it in almost every situation and for any type of thing. Like how my so-called claimed elder brother desiring the affection of his sworn queen, those coming from his own words since I know nothing of it; also like how the same woman who resides in this land, claiming to desire me as a whole being and to be killed by me. Possibly, same as them, what I feel is desire and what I desire is nothing else than to know what’s behind the walls that kept her beauty away. More, the one word my mind told me aloud as I thought about breaking the walls that kept her inside. I don’t understand why I could possibly think of this all, but I’m sure that I will find out more about everything when I finally meet the nameless princess again. And right now, I shall admit what my chest told me to admit, I want nothing more than to meet her again even though I just witnessed her presence minutes ago. Like the feeling I felt, she also felt addicting; maybe those two are connected, and their connection, if ever I’m right, makes me long to know more.

I found a small alley in a rather lifeless part of the town. I’m not sure if there are any people living inside the dim houses since I didn’t bother to check, not wanting to face any consequences, so for the time being I created a small tent that’s inspired by my self-proclaimed elder brother’s own tent back when he was still living with his biological brother in the small alley between the dim houses until I make sure that the houses are fully empty for me to live in. Getting inside the tent, I slowly rested my back against the hard surface while resting my head on my folded hood as I stared up at the holes of the tent, not minding it since I’m lost in my own daze. Using one to create any type of meal I once devoured, I used the other to cover my visions as I ate. I make myself a drink after finishing my food; I didn’t bother to make more meals for myself though I’m still in a state of hunger, finding more joy in lingering on the thoughts of the new feeling like before. For the first time in the current years of living in suffocation, I feel a little happy, a little freed from the recollection of the painful memories I left behind for isolation and all because of this emotion. Like any other day I fool myself in ignorant bliss, I push away my pain to drown in my own ignorant happiness, the corner of my lips curving up while I keep on thinking about it. I fell asleep with my eyes covered by my wrist and my lips still forming the same smile. The early morning felt like any typical morning for me— I finally made myself a full course meal to satisfy my hungry stomach and dehydrated throat then I decide to roam around the empty parts of the country, with my hood on, which leads me to walk towards the forest, located quite far from the place I build my tent at. I hum, noticing a sign nailed to an old tree with no living leaves hanging around its branches. “Go back,” the sign said with a big ‘X’ being drawn on the letters. I also noticed the obvious skull drawn on the bottom right corner of the wooden thing. I voiced my visible confusion when I saw a clear liquid trickling down the wooden sign. When I looked up, I was met with frosty layers of ice covering some parts of the branches. Blinking curiously, I approached the tree, touched some of the first with my gloved finger, watching it as it dampened my gloves in the process.

Winter isn’t around the corner, so I wondered how the thin layers of ice covered most parts of the branches of the old tree. Not only the old tree; when I observed the trees deep within the forest, I could see the same frost covering the other trees. With my curious nature demanding me to investigate what could possibly be going on, I forced myself to walk past the sign that was supposed to hold me back and persist me to stay away. I walked deeper inside the forest, one step at a time, my mind swirling with the fear of encountering the creature that’s supposed to be my natural nemesis though my insides seems to be calmer than my mind. “Petal by petal, the flowers fall”— at the melodious sound coming from the deeper, or perhaps the deepest side of the forest. Allured by the sweet innocence of the singing voice, I felt myself aimlessly walking towards the source of the luring melody, still listening to them chant their verbal art. “My fate must be destined to be tragic,” in that lyrical poem, I questioned why the owner of the said voice would say that their destiny is to have a tragic life in this cruel world. Yet, I felt myself lured more by it, relating and understanding the pain they must’ve felt living in this cruel world. Louder, the voice sounds louder than before, blessing my eardrums with more of their presence. I halt my steps when I look at the frozen nature around me. Different from the ones on the surface of the forest, the trees on this deeper side are completely frozen. I touched the freezing ice after I softly took off my gloves, putting them safely inside the pocket of my hood. It felt freezing cold, like any other ice, yet different in a way I could never describe. And when I heard the voice sing again, I gripped on the fur of my hood, softly dropping it behind me as I kept on walking. My eyes were set on a lady’s back, watching them continuing their chants without noticing my peering gaze on them. Dressed in a white colored clothing only those of nobly rank would wear in this country, she twirled on top of the frozen pools of mud, seemingly not minding if the expensive piece of fabric she wore got dirty. And when she twirled softly, I took notice of her appearance. The Princess. Though not wearing anymore of her thin layers of fancy painted makeup, she still looks as extravagant though more natural than before. In all her natural glory, I am witnessing her dance; like she said to herself in her lyrical poetry, “My fate must be destined to be tragic,” I feel more relation to the lyric as I witness her casually dancing as if there are no eyes watching her. I want to be nearer, closer, watching her elegant dance right in front of her yet I wish to not make her fear me and the way my mind told me to run away from any human connection I feel holds me back from approaching her bewildering beauty. Unlike before, I wish to stay away from her; unlike when I wish to meet her again, the memory of the dying people I’ve encountered due to my existence began running back inside my head, pushing me away as I took a step back. I wanted to turn away and finally leave the country in peace with no one by my side, yet how could I walk away when those pools of soulless optics looked at me with a gaze so stern, freezing me in place as if a spell had been cast upon my being. Though there are many living beings inside this forest and outside of it, when those eyes laid themselves on me, I felt like the only person in this world she had ever encountered. I drowned deeper inside my daze when she didn’t say anything to me, giving me one small smile that lasted for a few seconds before she danced again. It felt different; it felt like the female I encountered last night wasn’t the one I’m seeing right now because this one doesn’t have any walls covering her figure. This woman in front of me looks free. And in my daze, I took a step forward.

“Traveller,” I stopped my steps when she called me by name. Not giving her any answers, I wait for her to continue. “You are the traveller from last night, aren’t you?” She stopped dancing, standing a few steps away in front of me with her lips forming a thin line.

“I…,” I gulped feeling nervous and ashamed of my lack of vocabulary to communicate with her, along with my own stuttering habit when I talk to new people. For the first time, I fear to be judged by the gazing eyes in front of me. But not wanting to be rude, I encourage myself to answer her question with the stuttering voice I’d always use. “I… I am.” I felt heat rushing up my cheeks when her frown was replaced by a smile.

“Well, it is nice to meet you.” She smiles, oh so softly. The corners of her lips curving up gently, while the round of her cheeks turned a soft crimson. Then, she blinked, before a soft giggle escaped her rosy lips. “i do not mean to laugh,” she said kindly. “But you have such innocent eyes that I couldn’t help myself. You look quite out of place that it is adorable.”

I’ve received so many compliments from the people I’ve encountered along my journey, and the one she is giving me is nothing new, but it feels as if it’s new as my chest gets warmer due to her compliment. Unknowing the reason why, I feel the tips of my ears yearning to hear more of her sweet yet meaningless compliments, not minding if it’s fake. I gasp, gripping tightly on the fabric of the chest of my hood when I thought of her sweet words as nothing, that she didn’t mean any of the words she told me. The feeling felt more painful than and more sticking to my mind than the feeling of suffocation, guilt, and sadness I felt beforehand. Like some type of magical kind of emotion, this feeling attached all of those deep within me with the desire and joy still sticking inside me though the painful clench. I heard her ask if I was alright, which I answered with a short, “No. It hurts too much.” The words es apel without My desire to speak.

“Are you alright? Should we go to a nearby medic?”

I shook my head at her question with tears welling up in both of my eyes. The only thing I desired right now is her touch, her being near me, just everything about her, and it’s frustrating that I don’t know the reason behind my own desires. I felt trapped and I despised it. My lips parted when I felt a hand softly ruffled my hair. I regret looking up since I feel the soft hand leave me as I did so. “The sun will rise soon, I apologize for what my guard has done to you and I will also apologize now since I have to leave,” She smiled sadly. I never had the chance to say anything before she left me behind again, all alone with my body on the ground, lost in thoughts. It didn’t take long for me to gather myself and walk away from that place while looking back at the slowly melting layers of ice, wondering what might have caused it. The question still sticks on the back of my mind until the day turns into night.

Again, keeping my gaze up at the holes of the tent above me, I wandered back on the memory of what happened during the day. Like fate is playing with me, I forgot to ask the Princess’s name due to me experiencing the new pain deep within my chest; it feels like fate wants me to meet her again, and I wonder how many times will it force me to meet her. With the thought of her stuck inside my head, I slowly closed my eyes. I dreamed of sitting in the front row of her dancing performance as she elegantly danced on top of the stage with her lips tuning the beautiful and luring chants I’ve heard before. In that show of hers, she kept her gaze at me, looking at me with the same soft eyes I saw yesterday morning; a look so soft and welcoming that I couldn’t turn away, making me forget all of the burdens I’ve kept deep inside my heart. Heart, is it? I’ve learned about human anatomy and I recalled the heart located in the left side of our chest, and that was where I felt the warmth, the clench, the everything I’ve felt the past years. Someone taught me that the heart triggers our emotions, though it can’t be proven yet if that vital organ is the cause of our own emotional suffering and happiness. In the morning, when the sun still hadn’t risen up in the sky, I woke up with the feeling of excitement, finally understanding where my very own emotions came from, though I still don’t understand what the emotions I felt meant to me as a whole being. I didn’t bother to bring my hood along with me this time as I walked towards the same forest I went to yesterday, hoping for the nameless princess’s presence to be there, greeting me with her voice, smile, dance, everything.

I let my own heart control me over my logic, and my heart, again, yearns for me to meet her, to touch her, to be near her. And my yearning was fulfilled when I saw her dancing in the same place I met her. She seems to have already noticed my presence there, evident by the way she looked my way with a small smile decorating her face. She wore the same attire as before, making me assume that the piece of clothing is the usual attire she’d use in her slumber. Seemingly finding my distance isn’t enough to satisfy my longing, I wished to be closer, nearer, until my skin finally touched hers. And as if she could hear my own internal dilemma, she asked, “Can you perhaps dance?” She asked it with a tone so soft I wouldn’t be able to hear them the first time she said it if I am a normal person, yet thankfully, I am not one that can be called human. I answered her question with a headshake, not knowing what else to say in my shame and lack of cultural knowledge, as I lowered my head. My ears perked up when I heard footsteps approaching me. I gulped when I saw two small feet stopping in front of my own, and I looked at the two small hands pulling on mine, before I looked up, staring straight into that same warm gaze I felt yesterday.

“Would you like to dance with me?” She asked, softly gripping on to my hands, “I can teach you how to do it.”

Not sure of what to say, I just let her pull me to the middle of the frozen pools of mud. I stared down at our joined hands when she pulled me along, not wanting to break my gaze away from them; I dozed off at the thought of my skin touching her own a lot of time since I met her and every thought of it felt warm to me. I embraced those meaningless daydreams as if they were beautiful memories, yet I know reality is better than a dream when I felt the true version of her gripping tightly on my hands still before finally letting me go, making me wish for her to touch me again. “Watch me then dance along, you’ll be able to do it,” I finally looked up when I heard her command, peering my gaze straight at her face. I gulped, visibly flustered, before leaning my head away when I noticed how close the distance of our faces were. I straighten my composure when I hear the bells on her ear jingle softly— I didn’t notice her wearing the accessory since I was too focused on looking at her face. She covered her face from my visions with her long white sleeves before parting both of her apart to show me her peering eyes, digging holes to my being. She finally swayed both of her arms away from her face as she slowly danced along with the music only she could hear inside her mind, though oddly enough, it feels like I could also hear the same tune she heard while I witnessed her dance. I just stayed frozen while watching her, like what I did yesterday, and I find joy by just witnessing her graceful moves so closely.

Unconsciously the corners of my lips curved up, forming a small smile. I looked down, wanting to hide my glee. She approaches me, the tips of her index and middle finger gently touching the skin of my chin, pushing my head up, making me look at her gentle grin. “It’s rude to look away, you see,” She said teasingly with a short chuckle. I want to obey her and still keep my gaze on her, but how could I stand there with eyes plastered on her when I am too ashamed and embarrassed to show my growing interest in her. Interest; perhaps that was what I felt for her. I remember being so intrigued by the nameless boy I met in the form of a wolf so I keep following him, acting as a friend. I also remember being intrigued by the girl who claims to be my mother so I also keep following her. And finally, this girl in front of me, bestowed with the title of the Princess of Yanome, she caught my eyes on the moment I laid them on her figure, she made me feel something I never knew I could feel as a monster, and now I yearned for more of it so I stayed and follow her, hoping to always encounter her though our different political status. I learned a lot about the statuses of each country, and me being like this without any permission from anyone means that I’m endangering my own immortal life, yet I am not afraid of the risk. As I looked deep into those eyes, my fears pooled down below me. She finished her dance with a small bow at me, smiling gratefully as if she’s thanking me for witnessing her show. I knew she was about to leave, she said it before she left yesterday about the sun that will rise above so she must leave; but before she leaves me again, I gather my bravery to talk to her,

“I— will I be able to meet you again? Am I allowed to meet you over and over again?” I sounded desperate and I know that, but I couldn’t care less about the tone of my voice, I just want to make sure that I’d be able to encounter her again. I blinked when she only gave me a soft frown. I assumed that meant she wouldn’t allow me to meet her again, and I felt my heart drop at my own assumptions, making me drop my head low.

“Do you ever wish that you could be free from responsibilities?” My ears perked up at her question, being able to feel the pain behind her sudden question. I wanted to voice out my answer, but I held it back, wanting her to continue. “I always want to escape this place. You know, I feel quite envious of you, being a traveller that’s able to roam around here and there freely without any duties. I apologize… I knew I shouldn’t have felt envious since I don’t know what kind of living you’ve experienced before, but I just wish—” My eyes widened when I noticed how both of her eyes were starting to water. I wanted to ask her what’s wrong and everything relating to her well-being, but she beats me to it, turning her head and body away from me so I am met with only her back facing me. “Let’s forget about that. And to answer your question, of course, we shall meet as long as you like until you finally leave this country, yes?”

I don’t want to leave, I told myself that when I heard how painful her tone sounded. As I watched her leaving me behind again, I longed for myself to hold her in my arms, but I couldn’t because she deserves so much more.

So much more than a man who swore that he was God; someone who was thought to be the deity more special than her.

The days after, she stayed true to her words, we met again and again and again, until I lost count of how many times we encountered each other, how many times I witnessed her dance, and how many times I lost myself as I looked deep into those shimmering optics of her. Though we meet a lot and I notice that we’ve gotten closer than before throughout the passing days, I still couldn’t help but think that there’s something she hadn’t told me about herself just like how I haven’t told her something regarding myself. My true identity. I scowled internally at the thought of us only being nothing more than strangers that find comfort in one another rather than friends, family, or maybe something more than those two related titles of ever they exist without me knowing. I desired more of her as each day passed by, sounding more and more like a greedy human being I’ve learned to hate. How odd of me to become someone I vowed not to become due to the ideals being put on me to dislike those types of nature. Perhaps, I’ve become greedy. I thought to myself, it’ll be unfair of me to wish to know more of her when I don’t even reveal parts of myself that I’ve been hiding to her. So, as I sat on the dirty ground with my back leaning against the tree behind me, watching her dance her usual graceful moves, I suddenly opened my mouth, “Have you ever thought of yourself as a monster before?” Seemingly caught off guard by my question, she stopped her dance, looking at me with both of her eyes widened, gazing at me as if I’ve found out some hidden secret of hers. And from the look on her face, I knew I just caught myself in a string of webs that made her who she is, so I continued my words with a meek smile on my face.

“I never saw myself as a monster, but after I… after I was forced to be God by the people who I knew nothing about, and after witnessing a lot of tragedies in my life, I started to think of myself as one,” I stood up from my place, approaching her figure. When I finally stood in front of her, I lowered my head, “I have something I want to show you, but promise me, you won’t be afraid of me.” I used my right hand to grip on her left one, squeezing it tightly, though not too tight to hurt her, to make sure she’d still stay with me as I showed her what I will show her. I slowly morphed my left hand, turning it into that of a wolf’s claw. After giving her a few good seconds to observe them, I finally turned them back to normal. Still keeping my head lowered I sighed, “I am a monster to many people’s eyes. A lot of them are trying to hunt me down and some made me their God for sanctuary when I give nothing. I… I never enjoyed it. I wanted to walk away from it and hide myself away, so that was what I kept on doing until—” I finally set my gaze on her, smiling softly, “I meet you.”

It wasn’t interest that pulled me towards her, I realized it when I was lost in thought, thinking back on the feeling my mind would describe the more I thought of her existence. The feeling relates to desire, to pain, affects every emotion you feel deep inside you. With one last warm smile, I opened my mouth, “I think I’m in love with you, Princess— or maybe these feelings of mine were nothing but a bitter longing” She hasn’t told me her name, and I feel alright with that, finding comfort in her own ambiguity. Like the voice in my mind asked me to, I never reject the feeling, I never fought it away, I fully accept it though with the lingering fear inside my heart of her safety since I witnessed those who come near me die painfully. I don’t want her to encounter the same fate as them. Perhaps it’s selfish of me to wish for a longer lifespan for a human life, but I just don’t want her to leave. I waited for her answer, yearning for her to accept me as much as I accept her. Wanting to take her heart, I told her the last thing I wanted to say to her— “Princess, let’s run away together, shall we—” I got cut off by her embracing me. My eyes went wide when I heard her cries, but not wanting to pry her, I just listened to her cries while rubbing her back, tightening my hold around her. I rest my head on her shoulder, closing my eyes.

“I am selfish, and I shall agree with your proposal. Tonight— let us escape tonight” I blinked at her words, humming in confusion, wanting more context to them. “Take me away tonight. I want to run away with you. Please take me away tonight.” I hugged her, smiling sadly at her acceptance of my confession. Her acceptance hurts me a little, sounding as if she wants to use me in order to run away from the world that has been holding back her real self and her freedom, coming from her own words, but I bat no eye on it nor care whether she used me or not.

Alike to strangers seeking comfort in one another, we’re using each other; I used her warmth to satisfy my own yearnings for affection and the happiest feeling I forgotten since long ago, and she used me to run away from the world she loathes to live in, though I’m unsure if that’s truly her reason since I don’t know much about her due to how closed she is.

I hummed at her whispering call, ruffling her hair, “Kiss me.” I got confused by her orders, not knowing what she meant. Giving her a confused look, she only smiled, slowly reaching her hand up towards my face, setting them on each side of my cheeks, pulling me down towards her. That’s when I felt a pair of soft, moist flesh on my own. My eyes went wide on the new feeling, experience, before I slowly closed them, drowning myself in the sweet new taste of her. Before I could react, yet again, she turned her body away from me, though this time it’s not sadness that I felt when I looked at her back. I smiled when I watched the way she nervously shook her head, obviously feeling flustered. “Just meet me here tonight. I will be waiting. If you break your words, I— I will leave!” She said it with such a squeaky voice, breaking away from her usual composed and well-mannered façade I’d see her with. A new side of hers I’ll be happy to witness more and more. I answered her words with a small hum, smiling as I watched her walking away from me.

For the first time in my life in this world, I feel like I could finally be truly happy, and I left the forest to wait until the night greets me with the same feelings I felt inside my heart. Happiness. And when the night finally welcomed me, I cleaned away my tent to hide the evidence that I was here. I ran towards the forest excitedly, thinking about our future lives with one another, finally being happy. I walked past the trees around me with the same feeling. It seems like throughout these days, happiness is all that I felt until I see the subject of my affection hissing in pain while her hair is being pulled by an unknown man. I looked at the man with visible anger inside my heart, but I never once stepped out of my boundaries, keeping myself calm and cool-headed. I asked him with a venomous tone, “Who are you?” On my high guard, I heard a sound coming from various directions— behind me, in front of me, on my left and right, everywhere. The sound I heard were the sounds of people pulling on the string of their arrows.

“I am her father,” my eyes widened at the mention of his title, but it dies down when I look at the Princess’s face, telling me well that the person in front of me isn’t her father. With a challenging tone, I asked him again, “Who are you?” He seemed irked by the tone of my voice, but still answered my question anyway, “I was sent to kill this girl, but what a coincidence that I met someone like you this morning when I was about to kill her. Your head will be worth a thousand. Hah, I could even sell you alive to a country since your powers might be worth a lot of cash, more than thousands. And maybe I’d have to kill this girl in front of you first, so say your goodby—”

I was blinded by rage when I saw the way he scratched the Princess’s skin with his blade. I turned myself into a wolf, landing an attack on the man in front of me, clawing him, biting him, doing anything that I could think of in this form until I satisfy my anger. I knew I shouldn’t have kept my attention focused on one thing; that was the cause of this mess in the first place— I shouldn’t have blind myself in my own happiness since my senses were too focused on what I was feeling to notice another presence nearby. And now, I am too focused on this man, forgetting the others around us, and when I witness all of the arrows flying towards me in slow motion, I turn my head back to look at the subject of my love. I ran towards her, leaving the bloodied man behind, but the arrows were too fast, faster than me, and I feared the worst— those arrows stabbing through the Princess’s skin. But, I was left speechless when the arrows around us suddenly froze and she was panting in nervousness. Everything somehow made sense to me when I finally witnessed her display of powers;— why she felt like she’s being caged other than the fact that she is a princess was due to her fear; why her eyes widened when I asked her about feeling as if she’s a monster. Everything made sense to me when I finally witnessed her using her powers to block away the swarming hunters around us. She turned her head towards me with a sad smile,

“I never wanted you to see this side of me,” she gulped, continuing her story while landing her attacks on the hunters still, “I am the Princess of this land, but I was always treated as if I am nothing but a weapon for them to use because of these powers. I want to finally be free from the cage that held me in, but I never could so I would sneak out and dance around the forest to make myself feel free, making rumors about how dangerous this place is until someone willingly created a sign for the people to keep out. Selfish, isn’t it?” She looked at me with eyes so sad, yet her smile betrayed that saddened look she has, “And when I meet you— no, when I see your appearance and know your name, I remember who you are. You were the weapon that was supposed to stand alongside me, but you escaped years ago. So, I wished to know how you set yourself free, wanting to be able to live like you, but I never found out and I never expected myself to hear you chant your affection for someone like me—”

Her warm smile turned into a frown, “I was only using you for my own benefits. I never loved you, so go away from here and leave me be.” She said it so casually that she’s trying hard to handle the people around us while protecting me in the process.

She is a bad liar.

“No!” I shout as much as I can in my wolf form, trying to get her to me, fearing for her when I see the blood that leaked out of her mouth. She’s overwhelmed because of using too much power. I need to stop her. “Come here!” I shout at her, hoping for her to obey me. Again, I was too focused on one thing, not noticing the man behind me, trying to chomp away my head with his blade. She aims her hand behind me, freezing the man with a tired smile on her face. She looked down at the freezing pool of mud below me. I thought it was mud until she unfreezed it, making me drop on the clear water— this is a lake. She gave me one last smile before freezing the surface again, mouthing, “Use your claws to break it later, will you? Please… save yourself, protect yourself for me. Live freely.” I shouted as I watched the silhouette of her being swarmed by an army of men, my eyes went wide when I saw the surface of the ice being decorated with blood. She died; again, the death of someone so wonderful was caused by me.

And I knew that will happen, I wasn’t that idiotic or childish to nor accept the reality as it is. She died— she will die. That would happen to her if I stayed in this place, so as I stared at those eyes of hers for so long when she looked at me, protecting me from her guard while I was lost in thoughts, drowning in the future visions of what would happen to her if I let my emotions get the best of me, I gave her a voice of gratitude, thanking her for saving me which made me smile warmly at me, different from what the visions told me. That smile— the same smile she will show me in the future before her death; witnessing it in this reality, brutally stabbed my heart. And before she got the chance to leave me on the street alone on my verge of death, I asked her a question I never managed to ask her in my own future predictions. “What’s your name, Princess?” I asked her with a pained tone, recalling back on the way I see her death inside of my head replayed over and over, acting as a warning for me to stay away from any human interactions even though I really longed for her to be with me. Though I do not wish to have any form of regrets in this cursed reality, I wish to whisper her name despite the lack of her presence, and here, I selfishly asked for her name.

With a smile, she replied to my question, “Ninomae. Nice to meet you , Traveller. I hope you enjoyed our home.”

The only thing I enjoyed about the cursed land was her, everything else is filled with bitter memories. I let her leave me be, alone again, with the thought of her death inside my head. It kept on replaying and I can’t force myself to forget about it. I stood up, not letting myself die in the crowded street of this cursed town. I kept on walking and walking, each step made me recall the happiest memories I had with the Princess in my visions, acting as a border that tried to hold me back from leaving, but I kept on moving my legs. I forced myself to move my numb legs; and when I finally reached the exit of the country, I let myself drop, tears dripping down my face as I slowly succumbed to one of my own many deaths. That was how my first love went, and that was how I escaped it, not wanting to find any ways to change my own paranoia. I wished I could’ve been able to be more brave as I kept walking to reach my nirvana, I’d always thought of her face. Even if the brief months I had with her were nothing more than my delusions, I wish not to forget it— I shall never forget.